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When last we heard from Our Hero, the Bugle’s favourite old military duffer was up the creek on the Kyrian border.....

 

AN OLD SOLDIER CARRIES ON

(Part Two)

 

There we were in a securely locked cell, in a dungeon, under a fortress filled with hostile warriors, in a town where tens of thousands of angry Burpas were assembling. A fair definition of a hopeless situation was the consensus view, but just as we settling down to weeping and wailing everything changed. There was a commotion outside and I dashed to look through the barred window of our cell door and saw the amazing sight of Lady Rough-Diamond decking a guard with a right hook! She's a big woman! The other one was already down, seemingly laid out by a chamber pot wielded by the young slip of a girl that stood over him. I recognised her; it was Princess Jelhi, the Khasi's favourite daughter! They unlocked the door and explanations ensued as we hurried up the stairs.

 

Apparently, Jelhi had told Lady Joan that her father never intended to do the dirty with her and was going to have her executed instead. It seems the Khasi had tired of persuasion and was going to have the image cut out of her. Us they were just going to cut. They were only waiting until the morning to make a big, public spectacle out of it. So she had got us out to help her to escape and in the circumstances we were prepared to forgive her previous behaviour. I couldn't understand why Jelhi was helping us until I saw the lovey-dovey glances she and Captain Keene kept exchanging. She'd probably told him about the image in the first place!

 

Now it was somebody else's turn to come up with a stupid disguise idea, Princess Jelhi had a pile of women's clothing ready for us. We were supposed to dress up as cooch dancers! There was a lot of food and entertainment being sent to the encampment outside town so Jelhi thought it would get us out of the fortress without too many questions being asked. As nobody could think of anything else to do we went along with it. Of course we made a good job of it, we soldiers of the Army of Bereny are thoroughly experienced in this sort of thing and Brother Belcher managed. Lady Joan had nowhere to put the image and so had to carry it in her hand. With cloaks around us we looked OK by torchlight and it worked well enough to get us to the camp where we intended to steal horses. That was where the trouble started, we got dragged into a big tent where a bunch of rough men who wanted us to dance! Off came the cloaks, though we were allowed to keep the veils. We jiggled about for a bit then one of beardies put his hand up my skirt and found a lot more than he'd bargained for! He stepped back in amazement, I punched his lights out and he went into the main tent pole, bringing the whole place down. Well, that worked out okay, because in the confusion we got out first and made it to the horse lines.

 

We got a mount each and were about to ride away when Din and load of guards showed up. He made a grab at Lady Joan and she knocked him back but dropped the image. He picked it up and cried in triumph. We were unarmed and there was a lot more of them than us, so we had to abandon it and flee. Not a good situation but a lot better than being sliced up at dawn.  

 

Well we got to the Khyber Pass and found more bad news - the sentries had all been killed and most of their weapons broken. All we could find were spare uniforms to change into and some supplies. Din and the Khasi had been busy in anticipation of raising the Burpas and must have sent a probe in force through the Pass.

Our scavenging had given the chasing pack time to catch up and we had a bit of trouble repulsing them with only stones and whatever came to hand, but  we managed to gain enough time to flee again. On we rode through arrows and fireballs, never slowing until we came to Khalabar with our unwelcome news - there was a great, big army just behind us!

 

Lady Joan went straight to Sir Sidney to take her medicine, but found him au flagrante with one of the Khasi's women! It seems that Randi's harem had been compensating the Governor for the loss of his wife and he'd worked his way up to number twenty two! Lady Joan launched into him, and in the ensuing kerfuffle managed to get her own indiscretions brushed under the carpet.

 

Well, the General decided we would make our stand at the Governor's palace - sound judgement, good defensive position - then the entire ruling and officer classes made one of their usual farcical decisions and decided to have a formal dinner. It seems they didn't want to go out of their usual routine for the sake of a vast invading horde! It would have shown timidity or something. It sounded crazy to me and it seems that Brother Belcher agreed - I could hear him through the windows shouting, "You're all mad! Mad I say!" I haven't got much use for officers but at least it would have been a few more fighting men and frankly we could have used the help.

 

This left me in charge! I got the lads massed under cover just behind the outer walls and the battle started with an Enchanters exchange - fireballs and summoned creatures etc. We were fairly evenly matched with the Burpas in this department and nothing significant was achieved by either side except all the scrolls got used up along with a fair few healing potions.

 

Bungdit Din then decided to do it the hard way and led a charge against the walls; I got the lads on the parapets and we soon had an old fashioned ding-dong going. At first our training and defensive position gave us enough of a force multiplier to balance against their numbers and we repulsed them twice, but eventually they knocked down a side gate and got some men behind us and we had to fall back. We drew up in disciplined ranks in front of the palace and awaited the final charge. This was when the officers deigned to joined us. A fierce looking Lady Joan had picked up a war hammer and Captain Keene's men gave him a cheer as he went to lead them - he was a good lad for a twerp. But the best sight of all was General Great Big William G. Gruff - worth at least a company on his own was Billy. He just laid into those Burpas as though they were sandcastles, his iron staff rising and falling, first grey, then red. I ran to get behind him to cover his back and got my two swords working - been there many a time! A sort of shockwave went through the attacking horde and it looked for a moment as though General Billy would turn the tide of battle on his own, but there were too many even for him. We fell back to the lines.

 

It was then somebody in charge finally had an attack of brains. Sir Sidney had a word with the General, the General told the Captain and the Captain told me. I dressed the men into a single line, had them lay down their arms and grab the front of their kilts. On the count of three we all lifted up to show what we had underneath. This time there was no underwear! The Burpas took one look and ran for the hills! I heard the Khasi shout, "Stop you fools, there is nothing to fear!" Then he took a second look himself and said "Ooh, I don't know though." Then he and Bungdit Din legged it too, never to be seen on this side of the border again.

 

After that, everything settled down to garrison duty, so the General and few of the rest of us were moved on. Sir Sidney and Lady Joan made up their differences and became the perfect couple (in public). Oh, and Captain Keene and Princess Jelhi got married - some deluded fools might call that living happily ever after!